ashtraygurl's Xanga

Appearances

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 02:29:53 GMT

Who does he think he is?
So fascinated with this facade
We watch another September fade
And our fears come full circle.
Shapeshifters
Living out the same story line
In different skin
We've collected these lives
Dissected and labeled them
But haven't learned much beyond
The price we pay for change.
Autumn glows orange
Endless possibilities stifled by fire
And death
I am weary of the same ending
Winter brings another cycle
Spring trades seven for eight
But I just want to linger
In these last rays of sunlight
Filtering through branches onto leaves
Still green
Old crow
What is the price of my freedom?
That indigo void seems like an unobtainable goal
As I waste another season of this life
With you.

Nothing But a Pack of Cards

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 02:29:25 GMT

You gonna get on that plane?
Your toothless friends
Are knocking at the door
And I'm shuffling and dealing their future
As best I can
You're 1,000 miles away
Blasting perceptions
Recreating the truth
Whose side are you on?
Crawling on your fucking knees
Through fields of scrap metal
That war was over years ago
So when are you going to come home?
There's no one left to fight
And I've got the survivors in line
Ribs visible through sallow skin
All sour breath and sunken eyes
The ransom's been paid
So many lives for one sad life
We've all played the hand we were dealt
Now we're waiting for you to do what's right.

The Pearl Inwoven

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 02:28:17 GMT

You better make sure that knife is sharp, boy
Before you sink the blade into my back
Or better yet, my belly
Better make sure you gut me good.
But what do you think you might find
Among my entrails?
I buried them bones two years ago,
There's nothing here for you to see.
So dig that hole,
And try to divine the meaning of
The blood you spilt,
Oh, what a mess you made!
But this Ghost
Is going to walk away,
And leave you with your ripe and rot,
Your fool's tale,
And a dead girl who isn't talking.

Once More With the Lights Out

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 02:44:36 GMT

My world is a Todd McFarlane animation
All black and red
And villanous protagonists
Another re-evaluation
Of Nothing
Late night diners with
Formica countertops
Screaming to be wiped clean
By my face
Some chrome and vinyl nightmare
I am this fucking
Pattern of scars
Constellation of stars
Eraser marks prominent
And drawn again
Toxic
Evil
And fighting to save myself.

Stay

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 02:50:33 GMT

Wherever you are,
Please stay.

I've been keeping my hands busy
So as not to carelessly punch numbers
Rather, these digits are occupied
With the counting and recording of
Just how many times
We've been through this same thing.

So, wherever you are,
please stay.

As far away from my heart and mind
As you can possibly be.
You suffocating
Sticky tar.
Your paperweight promises
Pinning me to this same place.

Wherever you are,
please stay.

My lungs are no longer compressed.
My thoughts are no longer static.
Like that time I escaped your sleeper hold.
Consciousness restored.
Greedily sucking in air.
Alive and out of reach.

Stay away from me.

Middle Beach

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 00:59:25 GMT

Some pics from a recent trip to the beach...

Though it was a nice trip, a lot of these pics have a somber quality, I think...

Obligatory Surf Shot

Seaweed on the Shore...I like the old, grainy feeling of this one

The sky was truly lavender that evening...it was absolutely heartbreakingly beautiful

A dead plant that washed up on the shore...this photo has an underwater feeling to it

I have always loved this little ramshackle cottage...the county has posted a sign stating they intend to restore it...they should leave it as is

Nature wins the battle of the boardwalk

Ariel III

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 14:19:15 GMT

How do I fix you
Broken Boy?
There are too many glass shards at my feet
Touching you makes my hands and heart bleed

What different lives we lead
And to think I tried to save you two years ago
What would your life be had you listened to me?

I spend my summers by the ocean
Watching the tidewaters swell and recede
I hear the future in the elders' drum songs
In Mother's flute, I hear each person's destiny

I knew this day would come
When I left and you stayed
I needed the safety of the womb of the Great Mother
Needed to dip my feet in those seminal waters
And enter the summertime of my life.

You only needed winter in July
For that, I apologize
I'm sorry I left you behind
And there is no way to fix the pieces that now lay at my feet
I am no longer what you need.

Mothers, the Prophecy has been Fulfilled

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 04:11:53 GMT

The Mothers spoke the Truth
And two children were born separately that looked like twins
We shall tell the story
Of What Might Have Been...

Electric sizzle between bare palms
All that devout Catholicism shot to shit
You were the first boy who could've taken me
So what stopped you?

Those three years
Aren't such a span now
And our mothers never knew

We were so sly on their couches
And so innocent in their beds
No other touch has impacted me quite the same
As yours.

A hand on bare thigh
As you shivered in your sleep
Thirteen and
sleeping in your bed
Seventeen and
no concern.

Inhaling you in pine forests
On boulders the length of our bodies
How did we not reduce those woods to kindling?
Igniting everything we touched.

Archetypal brother/lover
I loved myself through you
You were the height from which I fell

A stranger who holds my heart
The safekeeper of the best part of me
Let it die with you when you are gone from this Earth
So the story will die with you too.

CiLiaTion

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 02:40:17 GMT

Bang my head
Against this motherfucking wall
Because all my reasons
And my reasoning
Got lost among boneshards
And bravado.

You fucking hypocritical bitch.
You nightmare enthusiast.
So captivated by the eagerness of intent
Am I
So forgetful of the lonliness of failure.

Will you leave me once again?

No.
Not this time.
I will brand your skin
And they will all know your name
And your name shall be
Abandonment and Shame.

It is through this recognition that you shall pay-
One year for every broken bone,
1,000 years so I'll never be alone.

Whose back is against the wall now?

ReCon

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 02:27:48 GMT

My loyalties were always askew
It seems
I was a different person every minute
Noncommittal
And playing both sides
Just to make sure I always won
But who was the one
Who prevailed?
Who is this person that I'm left with
Now that everything's been gambled away?
What is to become of me
Now that there is nobody
And I'm left on my own?
Where will I go?
What is there to see?
My eyes no longer work for me
Every part of me is raging against me
Is there any time left to buy?
Any hope these enemies could be persuaded once more
Or is my soul's debt one of lonliness?

What is left to reconcile?